Wouldn’t it be great to know what your woman wants ? How outstanding would it be if you were four steps ahead and always had an edge in your relationship? When I speak of edge I speak of your edge as a man, being a better husband to your wife, better partner to your partner, better father, better provider and protector. I am not speaking of a “competitive” edge over her.
Let’s face it guys, your wife is your biggest source of inspiration, drive and sense of purpose. She can also be the biggest pain in the neck, drive you crazy and push you off your path. Same woman, two different experiences and realities. The question then becomes, how can we as men do our part in bringing forth the partner, the goddess and not the nemesis, the hag.
What I am about to share with you is based on my own personal experience at the tender age of 44 and reading up on relationships, talking to women, fact checking with my in house expert (my wife) and finally was able to experiment with in my own marriage.
Also, please know I am not a shrink, relationship expert or in no way do I guarantee results….again, just sharing what I think works and the men I’ve coached over the years tell me this stuff works.
There are 4 things you must do for your woman every day, all day, 365 days a year. You must ensure these four things are in place in your relationship, in your home. You must create the space and moments where these 4 things are experienced. Quick disclaimer: When I applied just one of these four behaviors with my wife I soon realized the benefits in how she began to blossom which in turn inspired the heck out of me to continue….so, selfishly at the end of the day this all benefits me.
Here we go, the four things you must do for your woman are as follows:
- Do your best to help her feel loved
- Do your best to help her feel safe
- Do your best to help her feel beautiful
- Make sure she knows that you’ll never leave her
Let’s break them down a little further…
Do your best to help her feel loved – This one goes somewhat in line with helping her feel beautiful. Helping her feel loved, means you fully receive her and see all of her, the whole person. It means you embrace it all, the good, the bad and the ugly….because guess what? You’ve got some good, bad and ugly in you as well. Marriage is about embarking on a journey to help each overcome life’s shitty moments, find purpose and shoulder the responsibility to bring forth love, justice, beauty as only the interaction between feminine and masculine energy can do. You’re each a representative of your respective camp, the feminine and masculine camps as it were.
Do your best to help her feel safe – Envision for a moment you had the power to grow life inside of you. Can you imagine the power of growing that life inside you and then birthing this new life into this world? I’d be freaking out with such immense power and responsibility. You only get one, perhaps two or three shots at bringing forth new life. If it were me, I’d be very selective and very careful whose seed I’d want to grow. I’d also want to know that I am safe. What kind of safety am I referring to? Safety from internal and external enemies. External is whatever can threaten your relationship and your family. These are not just “things and people” but also external ideas that take root in your precious home like useless weed in a rose garden. Internal threats predominantly have to do with communication, transparency and always making sure you’re both looking in the same direction. Helping her feel safe also means you protect her from her own fears, doubts and anxieties as they come up. This does not mean you squash them and suppress her in those moments. It means you hold the safe space where she can speak them and name them so that they lose the ominous power that comes with un-namable hidden dark fears. Also realize in those moments that it is not about you and whatever feels like an attack on your or criticism is most likely a short fused reaction borne out of your own insecurities that you will need to work on some other time with other men.
What makes the divine feminine so incredibly attractive to us men is its power to nurture and bring forth anything, any life, any idea as long as there are clear instructions and purpose.
Do your best to help her feel beautiful – There’s an incessant assault on women’s standard of beauty that leaves many women feeling insecure and even ugly in their skin. Instead of trying to understand why the media and internet objectifies my wife and daughters as representative of the female gender, I decided to mirror back to my wife why she’s beautiful. This can be difficult when you’re in a fight or working through some challenges, but reminding your woman that she’s beautiful and what you find beautiful about her on a regular basis will turn her gaze inwards and embrace her beauty more easily than comparing herself to the latest standard or fad.
Make sure she knows that you’ll never leave her – We all have some degree of abandonment issues that stem from one impactful experience in life with mom and/or dad…it can also be a collection of smaller moments from either parent. Why do women specifically need to know you’ll never leave? It helps them lean in and count on you, helps them feel safe. In addition if she feels that you’ll never leave she’ll give you a home you’ll always want to defend that you’ll want to return to. See how the two play into each other? Your desire to protect and provide goes hand in hand with her desire to grow life, as long as she feels like you’ll never leave. What does this look like in reality? Small gestures like showing up the way you promised you’d show up, begin graceful, keeping your word and most importantly fighting civilly. Fighting? Yes, disagreements and fights happen and when done right they usually reveal a deeper truth to your relationship that was always there, yet hidden in plain sight. It’s easy to storm out in the middle of an argument, it’s hard to exit a situation while reassuring her you’re leaving the room/situation for now and not the relationship forever. This is a trick we learned from our rabbi in a relationship class 10 years ago. The script goes something like this “I am not leaving you, not leaving us. I am just leaving the room…..I need a moment….I need space”
Which one of these 4 can you do today and which one do you think she’d appreciate the most? Are they one and the same? If not, start with what you’re most likely able to do today because ultimately your wife wants you to be authentic and real.